Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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