Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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