How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
