I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
