She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Pooping to opera.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
