as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
