Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
