Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
