I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
