You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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