So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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