Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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