Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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