Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
