yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
