whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
