i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
