Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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