My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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