I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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