Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
