where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
