im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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