if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
