Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
