So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
