party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I need moral support for this bender
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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