i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
