You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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