i wish starbucks made bloody marys
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
