even my farts smell like vagina
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
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