Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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