R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I AM VODKA MAN
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
