The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
did i walk over a car last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize