if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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