So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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