Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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