She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
