i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
