saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I've blown a few things in my day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
