I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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