i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize