I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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