Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
