I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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