well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
