my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize