Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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