So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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