Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
