Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had to cum in my sink.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
