I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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