I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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