you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
