If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
