I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize