I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
