He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
