burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
