He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
