just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
