Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
