I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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