I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize